Goodbye, old dog!
We totally knew this was coming, and I figured it would be within the next few months, but damn, it still hurts. Poor fifteen-year-old Angus finally succumbed to old age, with the final blow being his skin infection, which had become drug-resistant. Within a couple days he went from creaky but good-spirited to immobile and sad. It hurts my heart to think of the way he looked at me when I tried to help him up and he just didn’t have it in him. He was just through. And he was a tough dog.
This grief thing is harder with the kids to care for, and feeling the responsibility for helping them deal with their sadness too. The sympathy for their hurt sort of circles back in on my hurt and piles up. Henry doesn’t really get it, and is still more in the present moment than Tre, but threw a huge fit when he saw me bagging up Angus’ medications for disposal. He calmed down after talking about Angus, and how we miss him and wish we could give him a treat. He has seen me crying a few times, and pointed at me saying, “Angus!” So he has some idea, and picks up on the emotions. Angus was quite old by the time Henry joined the family, and didn’t really play with Henry. But Henry loved to give Angus treats and play with him as much as Angus would tolerate, holding his tail and getting whipped off his feet when Angus walked. When I tell him that Angus isn’t coming back and we have to say goodbye, Henry says, “babye” in his sweet, cheerful voice, and it starts me crying again.
Tre was sad and scared when he knew that Angus was going to die soon, and we read some books that his kindergarten teacher lent us, and we cried. But since we said goodbye to Angus before Leon took him to the vet that last time, He hasn’t shown overwhelming emotion. I don’t know if he got it out earlier, or if things are still sinking in and will come out soon. He was disturbed by all my crying the day after Angus died, and he made me some letters to cheer me up. I had bought him a pack of envelopes to play with, because he loves to do art with envelopes. And he made me four letters–triangle papers inside envelopes, with sad faces on them and his name. Then he put them in the drawer of my bedside table, where he always puts mail that he makes for me. He has been very edgy and whiny today, and I’m sure that has a lot to do with living with parents who are still sad. Not that we’re just crying all day, but it’s still here and feeling raw. The truth is, Angus was old by the time Tre was a little kid who would want to play with a dog, so he never knew the young, playful Angus either.
All these memories have come back about how Angus used to be, before he got so old and before the kids came around to take up so much time and attention. He used to be a crazy, playful dog, and would throw cardboard soda boxes into the air and attack them, destroying them. We used to drink a lot of soda. And watching him run was amazing. He loved to go camping with us and jump around the rocks and into the water. He was very jealous when I first came into Leon’s life, after having so much of Leon’s attention for his first three years, and he destroyed my denim jacket. But I started walking him, and that totally won him over. He was a tough, loud black and tan counhound with a bay like a sea lion. And having him in the house, alert to intrusion gave me a secure feeling. It gave me an annoyed and tired feeling when he would occasionally tree racoons in the back yard at three o’clock in the morning. But even that was kind of cool, seeing him so intent on doing what he was bred to do, despite never having been taught to hunt.
I did really love that dog, though he became very hard to live with in the last couple years when he seemed to be getting senile and there were the kids to take care of too. He became less disciplined about stealing food from the kids, and two kids to watch out for made it more difficult, so I just had to separate him from us every time we ate a meal or snack. Stubborn dog, he would bark to get back in, and I didn’t manage to get him to handle that better. So day-to-day life with Angus had stress for me. And when you’re stressed from kids acting their age and pushing your buttons, outside events, and the dog all put together, it’s so much easier to own up to being mad at the dog than mad at your kids. I wish I had been a little more patient with the old dog.
It’s just hard for Leon, who has had that dog since he was in college, basically his whole adult life. I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone to love a dog so much.
Goodbye, old dog.
September 29th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
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October 1st, 2008 at 2:30 pm
You remember our telling you about Howie I’m sure. Well, he was hit by a car and it broke his back so he couldn’t move. We were trying to get money together for our first house and just didn’t have any cash to help a dog. Well, I had to dig a hole and put him in it and then shoot him. Very hard and I just broke down and cried. He was a special friend! We had him before our family came along and loved him almost as a child. I used to love to take him cat hunting at some apartments up in Brigham City where the cats would congregate at the trash cans of an apartment building. When he realized what I was preparing to do he started to get very excited and cry so I had to hold his mouth shut until the great moment arrived. I’ve loved some dogs more than others but he was by far the best.
October 16th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
I cannot imagine what we’ll do when our little dog dies. People who don’t own animals have no idea what it’s like.
I feel for both of you on the loss you suffered and especially for TomDaddy that had to shoot his own animal. How horrible but I understand why you had to do it.
Jeff